A BETTER USE FOR BURKAS?

I am always surprised by how much the U.S. prison system (and how it's run) tends to get my dander up. It's not like I'm close to anyone who's doing time, or even know anyone in the tank, for that matter. But I guess it serves as just one more reminder of what an inefficient and barbaric system we're running here. PRISON REFORM NOW, I say! DECRIMINALIZE DRUGS, I say! STOP GANG VIOLENCE, I say! But nobody really listens. Everybody just thinks I'm schizo...

Anyway, I was listening to a piece on NPR recently, about the problem of prison gangs, and how they always organize by ethnicity, and how the Blacks want to kill the Latinos, and vice versa, and then both groups want to kill the Whites, etc. Well, I have a solution for San Quentin and other prisons that are having this problem. (And, mind you, what prison isn't)?

How about requiring inmates to wear burkas? If inmates had to wear burkas outside of their cells, no one would be able to identify each other by race, or at least, it would be much harder to do so. It would help avoid the collusion that goes with prisoners being able to recognize and signal to one another. Almost seems like a no brainer, huh?

Some of you might be worried about civil liberties. Well, I don't think there's anything more liberating than NOT having to worry about being murdered in prison because you're the wrong color. There's really nothing undignified about it. If so much of the "free" female population in the world can do it, then why can't criminals serving time?

Others might raise the objection that inmates would easily be able to outsmart this system. Well, I'm sure some would, but it would make prison gang activity a hell of a lot more difficult.

You probably think I'm joking about all this, but I'm not. I know it might seem a bit extreme, but prison overcrowding and the state of our jails today -- not to mention the obscene amount of tax payer money that goes into maintaining the staggering prison population, while only creating a breeding ground for more violent offenders and never rehabilitating anyone -- is in and of itself extreme, and calls for drastic measures.

PLEASE VISIT MY OFFSHOOT BLOG!!

Readers,

I love you all as much as ever, and that's why I'm taking you on a new journey... Please visit my latest blog, 12 Weeks to a Book Deal, at

12weekstoabookdeal.blogspot.com

Enjoy and please feel free to comment!

Thanks,
Olivia

WHAT'S IN A NAME? ASK THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT!

Winner of the most uproariously funny piece of news this week goes to the far-right American Family Association and their ridiculous gaffe, in which they implemented a site-wide search and replace for the word "gay" (an inappropriate term in their nano-minds) with the word "homosexual." Enter Olympic athlete Tyson Gay (pictured above) whose name ended up
appearing in news stories on the site as "Tyson Homosexual." One of the site's headlines read, "Homosexual eases into 100 meter finals...."

Now, I'm just praying (wouldn't the AFA be proud of me) for an athlete with the last name of Retard to qualify for the Olympics. That would probably warrant a search and replace with, say, "mentally challenged," as in: "Mentally Challenged tumbles to success." Or maybe an athlete with the last name of Hooker. "Prostitute dives into qualifying round."
The possibilities are endless.

E. COLI OUTBREAK LINKED TO ANGRY VEGANS!

A recent E. Coli outbreak in Ohio and Michigan has been linked to a group of militant, angry vegans who will stop at nothing to put meat-eaters out of business. Their nefarious plot entails picking off meat consumers one at a time, with the goal of achieving vegan world domination. Said one fired-up member of the group POV (Pissed Off Vegans), "We want to make eating meat a matter of life and death for big, fat, unconscious carnivores."

A spokesman for the carnivores, Chuck Cattleface, had this to say: "We know red meat is bad for the environment and our health, and we'd like to keep it that way. It's how we live on the edge without having to do extreme sports. Besides, if we gave up meat, what would we barbecue? Potato chips?" He concluded with a warning: "Those vegans haven't heard the last of us yet."

Stay tuned.

AH, BUSES...

Dear readers,

I have something to admit to you and I'm kinda worried about what you might think of me but anyway here goes: I have a thing for buses. I just think they're so cute. And they remind me of different characters. Like Muni in San Francisco makes me think of Mr. Snuffleuffigus* (Snuffy for those in the know.) And most of the major metro buses seem to have a smile on their "faces" and a peppy countenance.

My bus crush is not indiscriminate, however. Certain buses, like those oversized coach buses:
really don't do it for me. And I have to admit, I feel completely platonic toward school buses too.



They just don't have those optimistic rounded bodies that make your heart melt. Know what I mean?

Didn't think so. But you'll just have to trust me on this.

* I had a really hard time finding a picture of Mr. Snuffleuffigus on the web. If you happen upon one, please let me know.

SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

You've probably heard that there are 17 students at a Gloucester, Massachusetts high school who are expecting babies this summer. Authorities believe the cause may be a "pregnancy pact" that these girls made last fall, in order to see who of the group could get knocked up. And apparently, one of the fathers is a twenty-four year old homeless man. Class-eh!

Maybe it's no coincidence that these teen pregnancies all happened around the time the pregnancy of now 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears was announced.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm all for teen pregnancy -- I mean, if you're part of a native tribe in Papau New Guinea, or if you've been given six months to live. But beyond those potential anomalies, what the hell is wrong with our retarded society??? And why do we deify White Trash "culture?" I feel like I'm gonna wake up in a few years and find that the U.S. has become a monarchy, with this guy as king:


King Tubolardo, of the United States, says: "Let them eat Big Macs!"

But seriously, not to sound like a feminazi, but how are women ever gonna gain equal footing in this world if a bunch of retarded mothers are telling their idiot children that it's okay to have babies at sixteen?????

I say, forget birth control in the drinking water, because nobody even drinks tap water anymore. How about birth control in the Big Gulp? Now there's one I bet the epidemiologists haven't thought of...

High Time for 21st Century Cliches

So, I've been thinking -- I know, scary right? And I've come to the conclusion that it is time to update some of the shopworn cliches that continue to persist in our lexicon, and trade them for some more updated would-be cliches that better reflect our eight-year-old century. So, here's a little mini-dictionary I made to give you some examples. Feel free to perpetuate these, or, of course, make up your own!



OLD CLICHE: ................... NEW MILLENIUM CLICHE:


"I phoned it in."........................."I texted it"

(Cliche meaning, "I put no effort into it."
Has it's roots in the increasingly
antiquated method of communication
known as the telephone)


"Shit or get off the pot"..........."Press send or power down!"

(Roots should be quite obvious.)


"Keep me posted".................."Download me"

(Has it's roots in the
nearly-obsolete U.S. mail)


"She's a ho" .................................."She's a reply to all"

(has its roots in agriculture)



"What's the 411?" ................................."What's the RSS?"

(has its roots in the fairly
antiquated practice of "calling
information")


"I'm dialed in." .................................."I'm logged on."

(Again, rooted
in the telephone, meaning "I know
what's up.)