DRUG LINKED TO FEELING BETTER?!

The FDA is in the process of investigating reports that Healthione, a new prescription cold medicine by the pharmaceutical giant Merken, is actually improving people's health. "We are very concerned," said a spokesperson. "Prescription drugs are supposed to have all sorts of terrible side effects: heart attack, stroke, diarrhea, acne, tender gums, sudden death, etc. The fact that this drug does not cause any sort of unrelated health problems is a serious cause for alarm. We're just waiting for the other shoe to drop... on someone's head."

Repeated attempts to contact Merken's corporate offices were unsuccessful, but one employee spoke anonymously. "Don't quote me on this because I don't want to get in trouble with the Feds, but we at Merken just feel that people should be able to
take a drug without having to worry about the risks of suicide, blindness, bad breath, and other serious inconveniences."

Many consumers, who claim that they would actually prefer a drug without side effects, are eager to sample Healthione. However, a Blue Cross representative stressed that any drug proven to work without side effects would absolutely not be added to the insurance giant's formulary. "It's too risky," explained the representative. "If people are feeling too healthy, they just might do something crazy... or maybe even stupid, like go for a brisk walk or drink a smoothie. And then what? Next thing you know, they don't even need us anymore. And we like to feel needed."

GUY HAS FOOD STUCK IN TEETH FOR 17 HOURS -- DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT!

After breakfast yesterday, consisting of an everything bagel with chive cream cheese, a Los Angeles area man spent the entire day with poppy and sesame seeds lodged into his front canines, along with a chive stuck on his upper left incisor. After making an important outside sales presentation for work, the man apparently posed for a publicity photo for his office newsletter, and then proceeded to go out on a scheduled blind date, without ever realizing the presence of said dental detritus. Upon arriving home from his hectic day, the man (whose name authorities have not yet released) discovered the evidence, and promptly lapsed into a coma. He is now in serious yet stable condition at a Santa Monica hospital. Donations in honor of the man can be made to fight this grave yet often overlooked cause, in the form of a check or dental floss, to the non-profit organization Humiliating Moments International.

STOP WORKING OUT-- WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

A new study by the APCA (American Potato Chip Alliance) has found that exercise of any kind is actually quite harmful to humans. This, of course, negates many of the other research findings pertaining to health and physical fitness, but a spokesman from the APCA, Peter Corndogowski, stated, "Those other studies are misleading, since they're funded by all these fitness fanatics who can't seem to stay away from a gym for more than five minutes. Of course they're going to have a bias." A spokesperson from the American Council on Exercise denied the claim.

"Exercise makes you tired, sweaty, out of breath, and gives you sore muscles," claimed Corndogowki. "Besides, it also makes you miss your favorite TV shows, which can be an emotionally traumatic experience leading to a shorter lifespan."

Since more research is still being conducted, the safest bet for now, according to the APCA, is probably not to move a muscle unless absolutely necessary. And if for some dire reason, you do need to perambulate, do so extremely slowly, and with as little effort as possible.