A new study by the APCA (American Potato Chip Alliance) has found that exercise of any kind is actually quite harmful to humans. This, of course, negates many of the other research findings pertaining to health and physical fitness, but a spokesman from the APCA, Peter Corndogowski, stated, "Those other studies are misleading, since they're funded by all these fitness fanatics who can't seem to stay away from a gym for more than five minutes. Of course they're going to have a bias." A spokesperson from the American Council on Exercise denied the claim.
"Exercise makes you tired, sweaty, out of breath, and gives you sore muscles," claimed Corndogowki. "Besides, it also makes you miss your favorite TV shows, which can be an emotionally traumatic experience leading to a shorter lifespan."
Since more research is still being conducted, the safest bet for now, according to the APCA, is probably not to move a muscle unless absolutely necessary. And if for some dire reason, you do need to perambulate, do so extremely slowly, and with as little effort as possible.
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