E. COLI OUTBREAK LINKED TO ANGRY VEGANS!

A recent E. Coli outbreak in Ohio and Michigan has been linked to a group of militant, angry vegans who will stop at nothing to put meat-eaters out of business. Their nefarious plot entails picking off meat consumers one at a time, with the goal of achieving vegan world domination. Said one fired-up member of the group POV (Pissed Off Vegans), "We want to make eating meat a matter of life and death for big, fat, unconscious carnivores."

A spokesman for the carnivores, Chuck Cattleface, had this to say: "We know red meat is bad for the environment and our health, and we'd like to keep it that way. It's how we live on the edge without having to do extreme sports. Besides, if we gave up meat, what would we barbecue? Potato chips?" He concluded with a warning: "Those vegans haven't heard the last of us yet."

Stay tuned.

AH, BUSES...

Dear readers,

I have something to admit to you and I'm kinda worried about what you might think of me but anyway here goes: I have a thing for buses. I just think they're so cute. And they remind me of different characters. Like Muni in San Francisco makes me think of Mr. Snuffleuffigus* (Snuffy for those in the know.) And most of the major metro buses seem to have a smile on their "faces" and a peppy countenance.

My bus crush is not indiscriminate, however. Certain buses, like those oversized coach buses:
really don't do it for me. And I have to admit, I feel completely platonic toward school buses too.



They just don't have those optimistic rounded bodies that make your heart melt. Know what I mean?

Didn't think so. But you'll just have to trust me on this.

* I had a really hard time finding a picture of Mr. Snuffleuffigus on the web. If you happen upon one, please let me know.

SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

You've probably heard that there are 17 students at a Gloucester, Massachusetts high school who are expecting babies this summer. Authorities believe the cause may be a "pregnancy pact" that these girls made last fall, in order to see who of the group could get knocked up. And apparently, one of the fathers is a twenty-four year old homeless man. Class-eh!

Maybe it's no coincidence that these teen pregnancies all happened around the time the pregnancy of now 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears was announced.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm all for teen pregnancy -- I mean, if you're part of a native tribe in Papau New Guinea, or if you've been given six months to live. But beyond those potential anomalies, what the hell is wrong with our retarded society??? And why do we deify White Trash "culture?" I feel like I'm gonna wake up in a few years and find that the U.S. has become a monarchy, with this guy as king:


King Tubolardo, of the United States, says: "Let them eat Big Macs!"

But seriously, not to sound like a feminazi, but how are women ever gonna gain equal footing in this world if a bunch of retarded mothers are telling their idiot children that it's okay to have babies at sixteen?????

I say, forget birth control in the drinking water, because nobody even drinks tap water anymore. How about birth control in the Big Gulp? Now there's one I bet the epidemiologists haven't thought of...

High Time for 21st Century Cliches

So, I've been thinking -- I know, scary right? And I've come to the conclusion that it is time to update some of the shopworn cliches that continue to persist in our lexicon, and trade them for some more updated would-be cliches that better reflect our eight-year-old century. So, here's a little mini-dictionary I made to give you some examples. Feel free to perpetuate these, or, of course, make up your own!



OLD CLICHE: ................... NEW MILLENIUM CLICHE:


"I phoned it in."........................."I texted it"

(Cliche meaning, "I put no effort into it."
Has it's roots in the increasingly
antiquated method of communication
known as the telephone)


"Shit or get off the pot"..........."Press send or power down!"

(Roots should be quite obvious.)


"Keep me posted".................."Download me"

(Has it's roots in the
nearly-obsolete U.S. mail)


"She's a ho" .................................."She's a reply to all"

(has its roots in agriculture)



"What's the 411?" ................................."What's the RSS?"

(has its roots in the fairly
antiquated practice of "calling
information")


"I'm dialed in." .................................."I'm logged on."

(Again, rooted
in the telephone, meaning "I know
what's up.)

NELLY OLESEN DAYS

Ever have one of those Nelly Olesen days? Those days where you would do just about anything to be her, feeling superior to everyone else and being mean to Laura Ingalls and faking your own paralysis? I know I do.

Sometimes I just want so much to hang out at my father Nels' (whom I was probably named after) general store and have my incredibly annoying mother Harriett overindulge me with candy as she practically comes busting out of the seams of her own corset and drives my father bat shit crazy. And then I just want to whip my perfectly placed Olesen ringlets -- yet another sign of blatant defiance -- around, and smirk at everyone who's less fortunate than me which, of course, means just about everyone.

The truth is, Nelly Olesen has gotten me through some really tough times, including colds, flus, and after school snacktimes, and has served as a reassuring reminder that I am, in fact, not the biggest brat in the entire world. I could always be worse... I could be Nelly Olesen.

And for all of that, I remain eternally grateful to Ms. O.