SNOOP DOGG RECALLS BEEF IN SPIRIT OF EASTER!

Apparently, the U.S. Department of Agriculture isn't the only one recalling beef these days. Snoop Dogg, (pictured above) who has carried a long time beef with a childhood friend (pictured in Easter basket in 1972, above) has finally come to his senses and decided to call off said beef, after realizing that a few

stolen easter eggs and a stuffed lamb just weren't worth ruining a friendship over. Said Snoop, "It's been eatin' at my heart for a really long time, know what I mean? I guess... (pause for tears) I guess I trusted that little boy, and he thieved me. He thieved me real bad. But I finally decided to give up my beef for Lent. And I'm glad I did. Now I can sleep at night. Well, not really, because he's still got a beef with me over a box of Peeps. But I'm hoping this beef recall will catch on." We hope so too, Snoop. We really do.

HILLARY CLINTON HAS FUN!

BREAKING NEWS: Despite the recently released scandal about John McCain having had an affair with one of his staff, and despite the hooplah over Michelle Obama implying that she has only recently become proud of America, there is an even bigger scuttlebutt afoot: Hillary Rodham Clinton was reportedly spotted last night... are you ready for this? Having fun!

"Gone was her sinister laugh and John Edwards-aspiring haircut," said one onlooker. "She was sporting a Prada mullet and a skirt that showed off her cankles."

A campaign spokesman has vehemently denied the rumors. "Senator Clinton was absolutely not having fun," he said. "That is absolutely and completely untrue. She has never had fun, and she never will. In fact, she doesn't even know how."

Outraged by the gossip, Clinton herself spoke out this morning. "I am dismayed by these allegations. There is no room for such ugly aspersions in this race, or frankly, in the White House. When we have fun, the terrorists win."

Senator Barack Obama, who was at Build a Bear with his family, was unavailable for comment.

Dub-ya Forms Book Club!!

President Bush posed with his book club after their inaugural meeting yesterday.

Never thought I'd see the day, but my Weekly Reader recently reported that, despite his busy schedule fighting terror and education, George W. Bush, our president, has somehow found the time to form a book club. Says White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, "The President realized that if he really wanted to get closer to the American people, he was going to have to take up one of our biggest national pastimes: reading."

According to Highlights for Children, President Bush's book club is highly exclusive, consisting of only five members: The President, three little girls in pink dresses, and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice (not pictured.) Reportedly, the inaugural meeting entailed a discussion of bestselling novel "The Babysitters Club: Kristy's Great Idea, " by renowned author Ann M. Martin. Said President Bush of the novel, "My favorite character was Claudia, because she's a really good dresser--just like me--and she's also a minority which I think is really neat. I love minorities. Just ask Condi." I did, in fact ask Condi, and here's what she had to say, "I have no comment about anything Geo Geo--I mean, the President--may have said, but I did want to point out that the one disconcerting part of the book for me was that there was no apostrophe in "Babysitters. Please don't mention that to Georgie--I mean, the President. He just loved the book so much and I'd hate to put a damper on that."

Due to Homeland Security precautions, questions about the next selection for the President's book club were repeatedly denied by White House staffers, however, one unnamed source did share a small hint: Two of the words in the title include "God," and "Margaret."

PAMELA ANDERSON FINALLY LANDS ACCOUNTANT

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Pamela Anderson has announced that she's finally, once and for all, eschewed her penchant for sleazy rockstars, in favor of a stable, level-headed accountant. Sources close to the actress soon revealed, however, that the accountant in question wasn't just any old pencil pusher. No, the PhD in Pammy's life turns out to be none other than chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben S. Bernanke. Seen snuggling up to each other at library check out lines, Brooks Brother's tie departments, and in line at the bank, sources say the couple seems deeply in love. Says Anderson, "Forget Tommy, forget Kid Rock, they didn't know how to have a real conversation. They were too busy trying to make sex videos and drown little children. With Benny, he talks to me about interest rates, inflation, and he even buried his head in my boob and cried about the subprime crisis. He is so sensitive. That's what I love." She added, "And don't tell him I told you this, but sometimes he likes to dress up in my Baywatch bikini. It actually looks pretty good on him since we both have long torsos." Says Bernanke, "Pamela is so smart and yet so dirty. But that juxtaposition is what appeals to me. I'm working to get her picture on the new nickel." He then added, "I'm the envy of pretty much everyone over at the Fed. And Alan Greenspan's been sending me death threats. But I don't care. For the first time in my life, I've got a busty blond shiksa on my arm, and I'm just happy as a clam."