SUMMER OLYMPICS GIVEN CHANGE OF VENUE!

After global protests -- including major outcries in France and England -- over China's hosting of the 2008 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee has voted to relocate this summer's games to a venue with a more respectable human rights record: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

"It's a no brainer," said IOC Chairman Hein Verbruggen, in between bites of bratwurst with a heaping helping of sauerkraut. "There is already a built-in international community at Guantanamo. Folks from Afghanistan, Egypt, Pakistan, Iraq... we've got the works. Of course we will miss the Russians, because they always get their game on, but we will survive."

The question is, will the competitors? Most of the international community supported Verbruggen and the IOC's decision, until other, more unusual changes were made to the games, seemingly overnight. "We decided 'when in Rome,' so this year, we are changing up the events a bit," claimed IOC communications director Giselle Davies.

Davies added that new events would include waterboarding, genital electric shock, and being doused in menstrual blood. "I mean, gymnastics and equestrian are all well and fine," Davies explained, "but we've seen them before. Our sponsors are excited to finally have something we call "indifference-proof" to offer our spectators.

Responding to alarmed critics in his weekly address, President Bush tried to assuage concerns as best he could. "This is about sports, not politics," the President explained. "Gitmo has good ol' American infrastructure in place, it's in a beautiful setting, and let's face it, we all love arroz con polo a heck of a lot more than Kung Pao chicken."

Former Olympic gold medalist Kerri Strug had this reaction: "Electric shock? Compared to doing flips on a six-inch wide high beam for fourteen hours a day on a ration of two hearts of romaine, that sounds like heaven.