WHASAHAPPENIN' HOTSTUFF?

Do any of you know who this man is? Well, my husband and I were accosted by a couple of British journalists on the street here in Santa Monica the other day, who were wondering the very same thing about us. They showed us several pictures of celebrities, asking us to identify them. I'm ashamed to say we did a pretty piss poor job of it. Of course, I I.D.-ed Victoria Beckham and a couple of others, but out of ten pictures, our track record was less than stellar. That is, until the piece de resistance came along: A photo of the above mug. I reached deep into my amygdala, activating my medulla oblongata, cerebellum, and of course, corpus callosum, before spitting out the answer. SPOILER ALERT! DON'T READ ON UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW.

"Gordon Brown," I regurgitated from somewhere in the deep recesses of the Responsible/ Politically Aware/Greeting Card aisle of my brain -- aisle seven, in case you're wondering. Well, you can guess what happened next. I glowed as these proud Brits congratulated me and took my picture. Yes I preened, and maybe even gloated, a little. Of course, they took my huband's picture too, but that was only because he failed to identify David Beckham -- can't blame him, the guy's a chameleon. But the whole point of the exercise, as it turned out, was to see what sorts of faces were in people's pictorial lexicon, and which weren't...

Anyhoo, all of this got me to wondering how many Santa Monicans, Californians, Nebraskans, and even Americans could identify ol' Gordy. My guess is, probably not a whole lot. And then, even though at this point my hippocampus was getting a little tired, I started thinking about how weird it is to come from a country where the entire world knows your leader. And despises him too, but that's another story. But I mean Britain is a pretty damn important world superpower, even if they do drink too much tea. So you would think their head of state would be somewhat ubiquitous in terms of the media, right? And a friend of mine, let's call her IRMA to protect the innocent, is a British citizen who's lived most of her life in the States, but still, didn't even know the name of the new British Prime Minister, let alone being able to identify his mug shot.

So this gives me a pretty good sense that we here in America are a bunch of ethnocentric, movie star worshipping dervishes who have very little idea that the rest of the world even exists. We're like the popular cheerleader, and the rest of the world is that nerdy little kid who's president of the academic decathlon, but will never get America's phone number. The thing is, that geek is probably going to grow up to be something great, and we, the cheerleader, are going to getmarried, have a few kids, and get fat. And then the hot, rich, successful nerd won't even give us the time of day, as we, America, devours bon bons peppered with tear salt in her locked bathroom, and pines for a parallel universe.

So there you have it. A little lesson on foreign policy, reduced to a John Hughes movie.

Log in next time, when I profile several obscure world leaders. Aren't you gonna be the most worldly thing on two feet?

A NEW EPIDEMIOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE!

First there was bubonic plague. Then leprosy. Then AIDS. SARS. Bird Flu. Now, there's a new, highly contagious, even more sinister epidemic sweeping the world like a flash flood, leaving no one standing in its wake. And it is... The Bachelorette Party.

Sure, you can try staying out of panty stores, try not ordering any penis games on the internet, try staying home in a hazmat suit. But it will catch up to you. And when it does, there will be froofee cocktails, and there will be girl talk, and there will be the sharing of beauty secrets. That's right, beauty secrets. And the sad thing is, there is nothing you -- or anyone else -- can do about it.

Researchers at Chico State University have been scrambling to find a cure, but so far, have found no known antidote to this raging pandemic. Apparently, men seem to be immune to it, but they have their own emerging disease to contend with, one whose symptoms have not yet been fully explored, but which tend to involve lap dances, steak dinners, and glitter-stained faces. Any observation of these or other, similar behaviors should immediately be reported to the Centers for Disease Control.

SUMMER OLYMPICS GIVEN CHANGE OF VENUE!

After global protests -- including major outcries in France and England -- over China's hosting of the 2008 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee has voted to relocate this summer's games to a venue with a more respectable human rights record: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

"It's a no brainer," said IOC Chairman Hein Verbruggen, in between bites of bratwurst with a heaping helping of sauerkraut. "There is already a built-in international community at Guantanamo. Folks from Afghanistan, Egypt, Pakistan, Iraq... we've got the works. Of course we will miss the Russians, because they always get their game on, but we will survive."

The question is, will the competitors? Most of the international community supported Verbruggen and the IOC's decision, until other, more unusual changes were made to the games, seemingly overnight. "We decided 'when in Rome,' so this year, we are changing up the events a bit," claimed IOC communications director Giselle Davies.

Davies added that new events would include waterboarding, genital electric shock, and being doused in menstrual blood. "I mean, gymnastics and equestrian are all well and fine," Davies explained, "but we've seen them before. Our sponsors are excited to finally have something we call "indifference-proof" to offer our spectators.

Responding to alarmed critics in his weekly address, President Bush tried to assuage concerns as best he could. "This is about sports, not politics," the President explained. "Gitmo has good ol' American infrastructure in place, it's in a beautiful setting, and let's face it, we all love arroz con polo a heck of a lot more than Kung Pao chicken."

Former Olympic gold medalist Kerri Strug had this reaction: "Electric shock? Compared to doing flips on a six-inch wide high beam for fourteen hours a day on a ration of two hearts of romaine, that sounds like heaven.

DRUG LINKED TO FEELING BETTER?!

The FDA is in the process of investigating reports that Healthione, a new prescription cold medicine by the pharmaceutical giant Merken, is actually improving people's health. "We are very concerned," said a spokesperson. "Prescription drugs are supposed to have all sorts of terrible side effects: heart attack, stroke, diarrhea, acne, tender gums, sudden death, etc. The fact that this drug does not cause any sort of unrelated health problems is a serious cause for alarm. We're just waiting for the other shoe to drop... on someone's head."

Repeated attempts to contact Merken's corporate offices were unsuccessful, but one employee spoke anonymously. "Don't quote me on this because I don't want to get in trouble with the Feds, but we at Merken just feel that people should be able to
take a drug without having to worry about the risks of suicide, blindness, bad breath, and other serious inconveniences."

Many consumers, who claim that they would actually prefer a drug without side effects, are eager to sample Healthione. However, a Blue Cross representative stressed that any drug proven to work without side effects would absolutely not be added to the insurance giant's formulary. "It's too risky," explained the representative. "If people are feeling too healthy, they just might do something crazy... or maybe even stupid, like go for a brisk walk or drink a smoothie. And then what? Next thing you know, they don't even need us anymore. And we like to feel needed."

GUY HAS FOOD STUCK IN TEETH FOR 17 HOURS -- DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT!

After breakfast yesterday, consisting of an everything bagel with chive cream cheese, a Los Angeles area man spent the entire day with poppy and sesame seeds lodged into his front canines, along with a chive stuck on his upper left incisor. After making an important outside sales presentation for work, the man apparently posed for a publicity photo for his office newsletter, and then proceeded to go out on a scheduled blind date, without ever realizing the presence of said dental detritus. Upon arriving home from his hectic day, the man (whose name authorities have not yet released) discovered the evidence, and promptly lapsed into a coma. He is now in serious yet stable condition at a Santa Monica hospital. Donations in honor of the man can be made to fight this grave yet often overlooked cause, in the form of a check or dental floss, to the non-profit organization Humiliating Moments International.

STOP WORKING OUT-- WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

A new study by the APCA (American Potato Chip Alliance) has found that exercise of any kind is actually quite harmful to humans. This, of course, negates many of the other research findings pertaining to health and physical fitness, but a spokesman from the APCA, Peter Corndogowski, stated, "Those other studies are misleading, since they're funded by all these fitness fanatics who can't seem to stay away from a gym for more than five minutes. Of course they're going to have a bias." A spokesperson from the American Council on Exercise denied the claim.

"Exercise makes you tired, sweaty, out of breath, and gives you sore muscles," claimed Corndogowki. "Besides, it also makes you miss your favorite TV shows, which can be an emotionally traumatic experience leading to a shorter lifespan."

Since more research is still being conducted, the safest bet for now, according to the APCA, is probably not to move a muscle unless absolutely necessary. And if for some dire reason, you do need to perambulate, do so extremely slowly, and with as little effort as possible.

SNOOP DOGG RECALLS BEEF IN SPIRIT OF EASTER!

Apparently, the U.S. Department of Agriculture isn't the only one recalling beef these days. Snoop Dogg, (pictured above) who has carried a long time beef with a childhood friend (pictured in Easter basket in 1972, above) has finally come to his senses and decided to call off said beef, after realizing that a few

stolen easter eggs and a stuffed lamb just weren't worth ruining a friendship over. Said Snoop, "It's been eatin' at my heart for a really long time, know what I mean? I guess... (pause for tears) I guess I trusted that little boy, and he thieved me. He thieved me real bad. But I finally decided to give up my beef for Lent. And I'm glad I did. Now I can sleep at night. Well, not really, because he's still got a beef with me over a box of Peeps. But I'm hoping this beef recall will catch on." We hope so too, Snoop. We really do.