DRUG LINKED TO FEELING BETTER?!

The FDA is in the process of investigating reports that Healthione, a new prescription cold medicine by the pharmaceutical giant Merken, is actually improving people's health. "We are very concerned," said a spokesperson. "Prescription drugs are supposed to have all sorts of terrible side effects: heart attack, stroke, diarrhea, acne, tender gums, sudden death, etc. The fact that this drug does not cause any sort of unrelated health problems is a serious cause for alarm. We're just waiting for the other shoe to drop... on someone's head."

Repeated attempts to contact Merken's corporate offices were unsuccessful, but one employee spoke anonymously. "Don't quote me on this because I don't want to get in trouble with the Feds, but we at Merken just feel that people should be able to
take a drug without having to worry about the risks of suicide, blindness, bad breath, and other serious inconveniences."

Many consumers, who claim that they would actually prefer a drug without side effects, are eager to sample Healthione. However, a Blue Cross representative stressed that any drug proven to work without side effects would absolutely not be added to the insurance giant's formulary. "It's too risky," explained the representative. "If people are feeling too healthy, they just might do something crazy... or maybe even stupid, like go for a brisk walk or drink a smoothie. And then what? Next thing you know, they don't even need us anymore. And we like to feel needed."